The other day in a radio interview I was asked by the presenter what grooming question I get asked the most. I’d like to have said it was about blackheads. Or how to get a great shave. Or about fake tan even. But alas no. The most common question I get (and I must emphasize in a professional capacity) is ‘how do I shave my balls?’
Seriously. Men are obsessed with the quest for billiard-ball knackers. In part, I blame myself. Many years ago I worked with Philips on the launch of their phenomenally popular Bodygroom hair clipper and in helping them sell the thing, spent the best part of a year banging on about how ‘Shaving Private Ryan’ gave you an extra ‘optical inch’.
This illusion (more impressive than anything David Blaine’s ever done) was later confirmed by Anna Span, Britain’s leading female porn director who I interviewed for her thoughts on pubic topiary. When it comes nuts, Anna’s seen plenty and is convinced a smooth pair look bigger and better because (and this is a technical thing) anything that’s smooth and light tends to look bigger. “Smooth balls also feel better in the mouth and limit the chances of your partner getting hairs stuck between her teeth,” she helpfully added.
So, for anyone wanting a smooth sack here’s a simple step-by-step guide. Just remember though, guys, once you start shaving you’ve gotta keep it up. As the lovely Anna herself says, there’s nothing worse than a bristly ball.
STEP ONE: Trim before you shave. To make shaving easier trim long hair first using hair clippers or a specialist body hair trimmer like the Philips Bodygroom or the Remington Body Hair Trimmer (pictured below). Do this when the hair is dry. This’ll make shaving much easier.
STEP TWO: Chill out. Key to getting good results (and avoiding the kind of accidents that require difficult explanations down your local A&E) is splashing your boys with plenty of cold water first. This will tighten them enough to make shaving much easier.
STEP THREE: Lather up. If you’re going for a completely smooth look apply a dollop of shaving cream (it tends to be more moisturising) and use short, gentle strokes, making sure you rinse the blade regularly using cold water to keep everything tight.
STEP FOUR: Soothe and protect. Just like the stuff on your face, the skin housing your jewels needs a little post-shave TLC too. After shaving rinse thoroughly with plenty of clean water and apply a post-shave balm (preferably an unscented one for sensitive skin). And if a couple of days later you’re itching like mad thanks to re-growth try applying a little talc.
PS. Please don’t use hair removal creams on your bits. Well, not unless you get a kinky thrill out of third degree ‘ball burn’.